“The way you build magnetism is by filling your cup and engaging in self-care.”
I truly believe that entrepreneurship is the ultimate journey in personal development. Relationships are a core part of that, right?!?
The guest I have this week, Marie-Elizabeth Mali, a relationship alchemist, is going to share with us how to enrich your life with more love and joy while running your business!
She helps high achieving women deepen the love and connection in relationships with themselves and with others so they can maintain peak performance fuelled by love and joy.
This week we talk specifically about how to manage emotions when you get upset or stressed and instead make decisions from a place of love. As well as understanding our stress styles.
As entrepreneurs, we want to do all the business things, but we also have to balance life out and engage with important and fulfilling relationships.
Since it’s February, and I love celebrating love during this month, it’s super fun to be talking about the most important love relationship: the one we have with ourselves!
Marie-Elizabeth has been working with clients for over 20 years. She spent a large chunk of that time in the health and healing arena. She was a massage therapist and an acupuncturist. Over time, she found that relationships are so central to our health that she naturally began to pivot her interests there. Personally, she’s always had a ton of flow when it came to her work. Work just has been easy. It’s in her relationships where she struggled.
After her divorce 9 years ago, Marie-Elizabeth embarked on a deep study on relationship dynamics. What makes her tick? What makes us tick? What makes relationships work well? Communication. Sexuality. All aspects of relationship. Then she started to bring that to her clients.
Marie-Elizabeth definitely includes the power of relationships in the entrepreneur journey. It’s one of the most powerful ways we have to grow. It’s a powerful way to see ourselves and to mirror back what’s working and what’s not working. It serves us, as entrepreneurs, to approach our relationships in that way.
In moments of stress, to bring ourselves back to center and acting in love, Marie-Elizabeth says the first skill to learn is to self-regulate. It’s necessary for leadership in both home and business life.
There are two types of self-regulation: 1. Physical. For example, if you made it to the gym despite feeling like you didn’t want to go because your gym goal was bigger than your feeling. And 2. Emotional. For example, if you’ve ever calmed yourself down in a tough moment. Like taking a deep breath or stepping away from a situation. Making any kind of shift in how you felt is self-regulation.
Self-regulation is key in entrepreneurship, but also as people in relationship. People are going to do stuff that bugs you. It just happens. And you’re going to get stressed out. Whatever the stressor is, the key question to ask is: How do I take care of myself here?
Instead of staying in the feeling that you’re having right now, how do you honor it? It’s important to acknowledge that you’ve been triggered. Marie-Elizabeth teaches her clients to insert a pause in the conversation when triggered. She tells them to request a timeout. Go to the bathroom! Just get yourself a little space and tend to yourself.
What does tending to yourself look like?
Breath: Exhale longer than your inhale. This simple breathing technique begins to shift your system from sympathetic to parasympathetic, which is relax mode. Dancing it out to a favorite song also can help. Taking a walk. Touching the ground. You can journal about what’s upsetting you. Release it. Tear up or burn up the paper. Find a way that works for you.
There are many ways to bring yourself back to yourself when you’ve been knocked off-center.
Another key is by recognizing and naming the emotion so it doesn’t overcome you. When you’re not upset, practice having some kind of connection to your body. That could be mediation. Approach your body like a scientist and get curious and research how you feel when you’re not upset. That will help build in a steadiness of attention that will serve you when you do get upset.
When you know how your body feels when you are not upset, you’ll be able to recognize when you are off-center.
When you aren’t in the habit of paying attention, the emotions are already off and running, and you don’t even catch it because you are not used to staying tuned into yourself.
Staying tuned in to yourself is key as an entrepreneur. It’s key in relating to your partner. It’s key as a mom. You got to stay connected with yourself.
You have to find your own way. The key is to insert that pause and do what you need to do.
People with hyperactive nervous systems, those of us that get riled up a lot, you don’t want to shame that about yourself. You have the nervous system that you have. It’s just encoded the way it was encoded. Don’t waste time beating yourself up for getting mad or stressed out or beating yourself up for getting overwhelmed. It’s just what it is.
What you can begin to do is notice it more quickly. And insert a gap and choose a new response. That’s where the agency comes in. Your nervous system might still fire automatically. Because that’s just what it does. Overtime that can change with deliberate practice.
Marie-Elizabeth teaches her clients how to shift their nervous system for better relationships and better performance so they are not blowing things up all the time.
You can accept the hand you’ve been dealt. You don’t have to stay there. You can learn how to build a gap and choose a more effective response.
Once the pandemic hit, all of the dynamics changed in personal relationships. So the space that couples had from one another disappeared for many of them. And many of them are also homeschooling.
If you don’t know what your typical response is to stress or you don’t know your partner’s typical response to stress, that just creates a field ripe for discord and fighting.
For example, when Marie-Elizabeth gets stressed out and gets into overwhelm, she starts to nitpick and get critical of her partner. Like when she and her partner used to travel (pre-COVID), she would blow up about doing the dishes and nitpick things about him. That didn’t feel good. And the other piece is when her partner gets stressed out his style is to get slower and be more deliberate. She gets faster and he gets slow because he doesn’t want to make a mistake. With those two stress styles, it’s inevitable that they will clash!
Once they saw how their stress styles were causing friction, they both took responsibility for them and supported one another. If Marie-Elizabeth noticed she was speeding up and feeling overwhelmed, she would ask her partner for help. If her partner noticed if she was nitpicking, he would ask, “Are you overwhelmed? How are you doing? Can I take anything off your plate?”
He was able to give the support she needed before she was able to catch her stress. And Marie-Elizabeth does the same for him. At this moment, they are able to care for one another instead of going into judgment.
In overwhelm, the antidote to that is asking yourself, “What is the one next right thing I can do?” And just do that.
Sometimes people aren’t as proactive. It can be hard to ask for help, especially if you’ve been trained to be independent and do everything yourself. It can be hard to recognize you even need help and then ask for it.
It’s somehow encoded in us that it is a failure that we have to ask for help. Then there is another sneaky part of us that wants other people to just know what we want and need without having to tell others.
Who doesn’t want their partner to be a mind reader?! But you don’t set your partner up for success with that kind of mindset. It’s not a winning game. And Marie-Elizabeth is all about helping couples win.
Marie-Elizabeth has a process to make requests that make people feel good to both you and the other person and the requests will get acted on with pleasure. But there are a few things to do before making the actual request.
The first thing to notice is that you are getting stressed out and overwhelmed. Before actually making a request, Marie-Elizabeth suggests journaling about your history of making requests. What went on in your household? Did one of your parents criticize and complain to get what they wanted? Did one of your parents demand things instead of making requests?
A demand is something that feels bad to say no to. A demand, energetically, feels like if you don’t do this I’m going to punish you in some emotional way. A request is a clean ask for something and the person feels the freedom to say yes or no.
Historically, have requests been hard for you? Are they easy? Do you have difficulty in feeling like you deserve to ask for what you want? Do you feel like you are supposed to do it yourself as a good feminist? Just start to understand more about where you are coming from.
Also, before making a request, clear out any resentment around things you’ve asked for that haven’t happened. Maybe in your relationship you’ve habitually asked your partner to take out the trash, but they always forget. So before you ask them to take the trash out next time, you’re going to have to clear the 150,000 other times you’ve asked them to do it out of your system. So that there isn’t a charge. And you can ask cleanly.
A request that gets heard with pleasure is a clean request. There’s a little bit of pre-work you need to do around requests.
Now, the request itself. The steps:
- Ask if it is a good time. You have to set your partner up to win so you win and get what you want. If it’s not a good time, ask, “When might be good for you?” You are asking for your partner’s full attention, which you deserve and they would love to give it to you if you’re not interrupting something that’s important to them.
- Ask for it in as few words as possible. For those of us who have trouble asking, we tend to pad it with all sorts of explanations about why we can’t do it. The explanations can be confusing because your partner doesn’t know if they should tend to the emotion around the ask or actually do the thing. So make the ask as simple as possible.
- Thank the heck out of them when they do it! People want to win with you. So when someone follows through and actually does the thing you’ve asked for, reward them! Show your appreciation. It will set up a dynamic where they are delighted to do things for you cause it feels good and they want to do it again and win.
Another thing Marie-Elizabeth teaches is coming from the assumption you are on the same team. You don’t always assume you and your partner are on the same team, especially when you get into an argument. If you can remember at that moment that you love this person and they love you and you are all on the same team, it helps. Marie-Elizabeth has her clients name their teams!
Naming your team as a couple helps to shift perspective in an argument. Say your team name in a pause to focus on how you and your partner would approach the problem as a team. It opens a door to see the thing you’re arguing about from a new perspective.
When we are filled up and juiced up at home, it makes us feel so much more radiant at work. I think that’s one thing, especially as women, we sometimes forget. That is what is most powerful about us is our magnetic power more than our ability to push and strive. The way you build magnetism is by filling your cup and engaging in self-care.
Ahh, yes! Love all of this!
You can connect with Marie-Elizabeth through her website: https://memali.com/ Take her relationship alchemy quiz!
Join me in two weeks for more relationship and self-love goodness on Coaches Go Social!
And if you are really considering live video in 2021, get on the waitlist for my live video course: https://capitalizesocialmedia.com/cwl/ The next session will start up in March!
Also, if you are a coach looking for a little more marketing support, come join my private Facebook group, the Consistent Content Club! I also have another group that goes even deeper. If you’re interested in the new Tidepool group, set up a time to chat with me directly!
If you want to talk more about manifestation or if you just need some positivity right now, let’s set up a time to chat!